Is your sex life on auto-pilot?

This material is adapted from Amy Jo’s free telecall, “The 5 Biggest Mistakes Couples Make When It Comes to Sex… and What to Do About It.

Right now I’m doing a series on the 5 biggest mistakes I see couples make with sexuality and relationships, and the one I want to share today has to do with putting your sex life on auto-pilot.

Why does this happen?

If you’ve been in a relationship for a while, you might be thinking that just because you love your partner, great sex will automatically happen — that’s how it was at the beginning of the relationship, right?

I’ve seen couples work subconsciously from the expectation that their sex life should be great because they connect well emotionally, have a good life together, etc. But they don’t acknowledge that assumption (or even know it’s there), and so when the sex becomes lackluster, sometimes they lose precious time and YEARS of frustration wanting more, yet they never take any proactive action about their sexual life … beyond getting mad and fighting about it because it’s so frustrating.

Probably the most common, yet detrimental approach to sex is putting it on auto-pilot. This comes from the greatest lie we all learn from media and culture about sex and love: and that is the common misunderstanding that sex should just happen organically and that it’s “natural.” That when you love someone it will just explode like fireworks.

Sex isn’t natural. It’s learned. It doesn’t magically work because you love someone. It doesn’t just click because romance is in the air. We see images of this scenario all the time in movies and on TV but sex takes work and attention, it requires knowledge to do well, and your satisfaction sexually will be directly proportional to how much energy you invest in learning to do it well. Yet most people will never show up to a class like “The 5 biggest mistakes…” or read a sex book.

You need sexual guides for your sexual life, just like you need doctors for your physical health and mechanics for your car. If you are never willing to invest in your sexual life financially, energetically and with your time, it will stay relatively the same. You will not rise above the sexual mediocrity that most of the masses tell themselves is normal. Yet you can have an extraordinary sexual life. So much is possible and most people never allow themselves to have that because their egos are too big or too sensitive to ask for help or, God forbid, get caught educating themselves about sex.

If your idea of giving your sex life energy is picking fights with your partner and letting them know how unhappy you are, you are way off base. You’ve got to do proactive things that will enhance your sexual life and communication in a healthy way. If you’ve been fighting about it, okay…at least it’s on the table. Now what are you willing to do for it so you can get out of the rut and release the anger you’ve built up? It will not happen on auto-pilot. There is no auto-pilot when it comes to sex—that will only lead to self-destruction. You must take the wheel and drive the car. That means making bold choices in service to your sexual self.

What might those choices look like? I invite you to check out my “9 elements to a sexually empowered life” to see what they might look like for you.

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